Although I firmly believe that I was born gay, I was also raised in a very conservative and small town in northwestern Ohio. One of the first things I remember learning about being gay was that it was not ok.
Take my grade school days for example. There was one gay kid that I knew of (at the time) in our school. His name was Dennis and he was a year older than me. Dennis and I rode the same bus, and his mom babysat for my younger brothers. When I recall Dennis, the first thing that comes to mind isn’t how much he influenced me to accept my sexuality, rather the two times he got into big fights on our bus. I’m not talking about little scuffles, I’m talking knock down, kick ass fights that resulted in both parties getting bloody. He later transferred out of our school do to the ridicule he was facing for being openly gay.
At that time I was around 9 or 10 years old. I knew that I was attracted to other boys, but after witnessing Dennis’ dilemma I made the decision that it was something I would grow out of.
Skip forward a few years, and now we are in my freshman year of high school. Enter Brian. Brian and I were never close or anything, but he cemented my decision to stay tightly locked in the closet.
One Saturday evening some boys in the school (who found out he was gay) spray-painted his parents house and 3 vehicles with words like: ‘Fag’, ‘Cocksucker’, and others that I won’t post. But I’m sure you get the idea. And if the high school rumor mill weren’t bad enough, it made front page of the local newspaper. So everyone now knew that Brian was gay.
High School is a time when young boys really feel the need to prove their masculinity. Of course I tried dating girls. I dated several. One in particular, which brings me to the meat and potatoes of this post.
Her name was Gloria. She and I met at the local McDonald’s. We both worked there. Looking back my intentions can probably be interpreted as insincere, but she and I started dating. At first it was only to cover my longing for men.
She and I dated for five years. Over that time, I did fall in love with her as a person. Sex was still always pretty gross to me, which is why I’m sure she ultimately ended up cheating on me and leaving me for another guy. But that isn’t important yet.
Gloria and I built a life together. We were engaged, but never married. We lived together for four of the five years we dated. We have several mutual friends. And one more thing… she and I have a child together named Zoe Madison. To the right is one of my favorite pictures of Zoe and I together.
About six months after Zoe was born, Gloria and I split. I got my own place and for the first two years of Zoe’s life, Gloria and I rotated weekly custody of Zoe.
During those first two years I had started to explore my attraction to men a bit more. I never told anyone, especially not Gloria. But then I met a guy whom I thought I loved. He wanted me to come out to Gloria. I always knew it would be better if she didn’t know, but had no clue how much pain a woman scorned can cause.
After much debating with my then boyfriend, I decided to take my chances and come out to my ex. She immediately began withholding any form of visitation from me.
At this point and time she could legally do that, because we had nothing in writing from the court system. So I ended up selling my paid off car to get the cash to take my ex to court in order to get some court ordered visitation of my daughter. The court ruled in my favor.
Unfortunately in America the court only issues the order. No one enforces the visitation order. I have taken Gloria back to court twice to have that visitation order enforced. Solely at my expense.
The last time we went to court was about a year and a half ago. Again the court told her she couldn’t withhold visitation from me. This worked for almost six months, and then an new trick started.
I had recently introduced Zoe to my partner as a friend of mine and nothing more. They used to play video games together and have such a great time. I guess when my weekend was over, Zoe would talk about the good time she had with me while back at home. Gloria did not like this one bit!
The last time I saw Zoe was almost a year ago. I went to pick her up, and Gloria paraded her out in front of me. I could tell something was wrong.
She said: “Go on Zoe, Tell him….” to which I just waited.
Zoe bowed her head and didn’t say a word.
The next time Gloria got more forceful and sarcastic: ‘Go on Zoe.. Tell Eric what you told me’. Eric she called me. She refuses to allow Zoe to call me her dad.
I could see that Zoe was very uncomfortable and tried to assure her that it was okay to tell me whatever she needed to tell me.
Again, Gloria pressured her two or three more times until Zoe finally blurted out: “I don’t ever want to see you again”, with tears running down her face as she ran back to her mom’s car.
“There you go”, said Gloria as she walked back to her car. I could see Zoe wave at me as Gloria pulled away. She wanted me to know that it wasn’t her saying those things… it was her mother. I haven’t seen Zoe since.
I could back back to court yet again, but to what avail? I could see in my daughter’s eyes how much this was hurting her. I have decided not to go back to court.
Zoe will be 9 years old in August and I want her to have a normal childhood. When she is 20 I don’t want her to look back and only remember fighting and arguing.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t tear up thinking about Zoe. But I do know that she is going to grow up and resent her mom for keeping her from me.
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