An ‘Outing’ After Work

“Have you ever been hated or discriminated against?   I have.  I’ve been protested and demonstrated against…”

~~Marshall Mathers

The album that made these lyrics popular and I have one thing in common.  We both came out the same year.

Coming out is a huge experience in any gay man’s life.   You always remember the first time you told someone you were gay, you always remember their reaction and this blog is going to explore the first time I accepted that I was gay.

I do want to make clear that I am in no way advocating that one takes my advice.  I am simply sharing my story in order to help anyone else who may be facing some of the same choices I have faced along the way.

That being said, let’s go back to summer of 2002. At this time Gloria had no clue that I was exploring my attraction to men.  At least I hadn’t told her about it yet.  She and I split custody of our daughter equally.  I would have Zoe with me for a week and then she would stay with Gloria for a week.

It’s only fair to disclose that when Zoe was with me Gloria would end up popping in and staying the night 2 or 3 times during the week.

It was nearing the end of summer 2002.   Between Staind’s Break The Cycle album and Eminem’s The Eminem Show there was rarely anything else in my CD player.

You can even see me sporting the Staind t-shirt with the album cover that my friend Shanda picked me up from their concert in the picture of Zoe and I to the left.

That summer was particularly rough for me.  I had begun to accept the fact that I was attracted to men and started exploring that aspect of my sexuality.  It was also the same summer that I had my heterosexual relapse with Gloria.

I was working for Applebee’s restaurant at this point in my life.  I bartended most nights, but also waited tables.

During weeks that I did not have custody of Zoe, I would work pretty much all day long.  I would go in and work the lunch shift, maybe take an hour long break and then work the closing shift.   If you have ever waited tables or bartended before, you know the lifestyle I am talking about.

On nights that I had Zoe I would hurry home to pick her up from the sitter and on nights that I didn’t have her I would go out with friends  that I worked with and we would hit the local watering spot.

One Thursday evening, I neither had Zoe nor went out with my work friends.  This would be the night in which I would first meet my internet crush Chad.

I hurried home after work,  calling Chad on my way.  I was on the phone with him the whole half hour drive home giving him directions to my house.  I arrived at my house about 2 minutes before him.

I had just changed my clothes and cracked open a beer when I heard him pull into the drive.  I was at the door to greet him when he arrived.

Chad wasn’t the first man that I had been with.  That award goes to a guy named Jeffery.  About a month prior to my meeting with Chad I had met Jeffery on the Gay.com chat room.  He and I would only get together one time, but he would ultimately be the undoing of my ‘straight’ life at work.

Jeffrey was very straight acting fireman and I remember feeling very guilty about my sexual experience with him.  The thing I remember most vividly about that encounter was that my mouth tasted like his cock the whole drive home.  I rushed into my house  and brushed my teeth for about 20 minutes that night to get the taste out of my mouth.

With Chad, things were different.  He understood that I wasn’t ready to label myself as ‘gay’ just yet.  I was attracted to men, but torn for so many personal reasons.  Chad related very well to where I was in my quest to understand my sexuality.  I won’t go into graphic details but he and I ended up talking a lot and then messing around sexually that night.

He left when we were done, and the next day I went about my ‘normal’ life.

The next day I remember waking up feeling very excited about the possibilities that were opening up to me.  I got out of bed, worked out a bit, made myself a bowl of cereal and then got in the shower.  By this time it was about 10:00 am.  I didn’t have to work the lunch shift, just the night shift tonight.  It was also my week without Zoe.

By the time I went to work that evening it was raining, and the weatherman was calling for thunderstorms.  We were always busy when it rained, customers seemed to come out like worms in the rain.

Several co-workers, myself included, had made plans to go out for drinks that evening after work.   No one that I worked with knew I was questioning my sexuality.  I had worked there for three years, and they all knew about my relationship with Gloria, the breakup with Gloria and the relapse with her too.  We always went to straight bars after work and I managed to act like one of them.

I guess you could say that I was leading a double life of sorts, but this would be the night my house of cards came crashing down.

Around 10:30, about a half hour from closing time, I was doing some sidework in the back of the restaurant when Julie (one of my favorite servers to work with) came back to tell me that I had gotten ‘sat’ (slang for you have a new table).   I always hated those last minute customers who had the nerve to come in just before a restaurant closed.  I put my game face on and went to greet my table.

As soon as I walked out of the kitchen and looked at my table I froze like a deer in the headlights.  At table 32 sat Jeffery, and my manager Jesse was sitting there talking to him.  I guess they were buddies.   I cowered into the kitchen to beg Julie to take my table.  I didn’t give her any explanation, but she could tell I was shook up about something.

Not another word was said about the table issue thank goodness.  I was very nervous while he was there.  I didn’t go anywhere near the table.  Julie didn’t care because I was so anxious that I had managed to do both everyone’s closing sidework while she was waiting on Jeffery’s table.

Julie and I rode to bar together after work.  I got in her car and we smoked a cigarette before she took off.  She was waiting for everyone else to leave.  She asked me what the hell was going on with that table, in her normal joking manner.

I gave her a bullshit answer, and she called my bluff.  She pleaded with me to tell her what was really going on.

I asked her if she could keep a secret.  She assured me that she could.  I told her about Jeffery.

The amazing thing is, she treated me as the exact same person afterwords.  She assured me that she would still love me even if I were attracted to cows.  (She is from the country and has a huge farm)

We talked for about another 15 minutes before heading to the bar.  Julie is the first person I had ever said “I’m gay” to out loud.  It felt pretty good to get it off my chest.

I’ll tell you about the bar in a later post.

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